Sugar Addict
I have been trying to figure out when, exactly, I became “overweight”. I have only been curious in the last couple years and not so much so that I have nailed it down, yet. Part of me wants to satisfy my curiosity, part of me says, “it doesn’t matter”.
What I DO know is that my earliest memories are of someone telling me I was “fat, lazy, a two-ton Tilly, as strong as an ox, big” and to “pick up the plow and run” during sporting events. I know I was always one of the biggest for my age. In 5th grade (11yo) I was 5’3” and weighed 133lbs. While this was a “healthy weight”, I was made to feel like a monster by the PE teacher. At this point though- it was old hat. I fully expected to be made fun of (and I was).
Today I weigh the same as I did in high school. A weight that, back then, was viewed as unacceptable. I was “bigger” than the girls in my class. I believed I was the labels I had been given (and were still being used, by more people at this point).
Today there is a mental twist to it. At this point I am down 105# from my heaviest weight. I have been 10# lighter, so this weight messes with me. I have a number I want to be, and I have been close, but I have some work to do.
The work is something more than “dieting”. Today I am working a program of recovery. Recovery from my Sugar Addiction. How did I get to this point? In October 2017 my husband encouraged me to listen to a podcast episode featuring someone who was talking about eating to be in ketosis. I was intrigued and did a lot of research. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome with Insulin Resistance in 2011. This syndrome comes with a whole slew of fun symptoms - one of which is that I easily gain weight and struggle to lose. Eating lower carb made sense for me from a biological perspective. So, I set out by giving myself a 21-Day challenge to follow a “keto” meal-plan I found online. At the end of 21 days I was less anxious, I was down 15#, the mental fog was lifting, my migraines were fewer in frequency and I wasn’t looking back. This was how I was going to live my life.
The research didn’t stop (I still watch, read, listen to everything I can) and over time I have come to realize that I, yes- have a medical condition (metabolic syndrome) that can be treated with changing the food I put in my body), but I ALSO have an addiction to Sugar (processed foods, flour, grains).
I am powerless over this disease. I had no choice but to survive (thanks Mother Nature) and I (we) are wired to do that - at all costs. It meant I could use food to stop myself from feeling things. Because (at the time) if I felt them I “wasn’t safe”. So I ate. Cookies, chocolate, brownies, cakes, pasta, chips, bread - CARBOHYDRATES were my drug. They numbed the anxiety, anger, pain, sadness. They gave me the courage and “energy” to keep going.
I don’t remember when I first decided to “do something” about my weight. I know there was SlimFast at some point, CICO, Weight Watchers (lost 40# for my wedding), Nutrisystem, Isagenix, Beachbody/Shakeology, Jillian Michaels’s cleanse, otc appetite suppressants, consultations with registered dieticians and nutritionists. Nothing worked. Nothing. Until I got my drug-of-choice out of my life. But that had to happen for the veil of denial to be lifted. I can look back NOW and see that is what it was. My primary care physician and other professionals in my life (therapist, dietician, nutritionist, chiropractor, massage therapist) had NO CLUE how to help me. They could treat symptoms, but could not give me what I needed - a SOLUTION. Telling people to eat less and move more is worthless advice.
In October 2017, my husband gave me a gift. I had to be willing to accept it and do the work. And that work has been progressive for me. First it was removing ingredients from my food, then it was working to improve my insulin sensitivity, sharing my knowledge and experience with family members with serious health conditions, and now it’s about my soul. I can no longer turn to my drug-of-choice (sugar/carbohydrates) for survival. I have too many skills and far too much knowledge to rationally make that decision.
I am new to a 12 Step program (I still don’t fully know if it is FOR me, but I am willing to see) and am about to start my 4th Step. What I have found is that by getting my drug-of-choice out of my life, things became more manageable. By adding the spiritual piece (which I have been lacking and desiring to fill for years) my recovery is deepened. I didn’t get to this point overnight. This is a journey and it isn’t over. But what I want to give others, is hope. Hope for yourself. Recovery is possible.
I am happy to answer questions if you have any!