Acceptance & Surrender
“Reason lost the battle, and all I could do was surrender and accept…” Paulo Coelho
How many times have we resisted the idea that food, or specific foods, could be an issue for us? How many times did we start to believe maybe abstaining from specific foods and/or eating behaviors wasn’t actually the answer and we could go ahead and just have that bite of cake? How many times did we decide it was our bodyweight that was the problem and if we could just lose X pounds we would be happy and all would be well?
We tried every diet, intuitive eating, eating in moderation, psychological trick and strategy we could find. We bought and read books, listened to podcasts, watched YouTube videos, joined support groups, cried to anyone who would listen with a sympathetic ear - yet not much was changing. WE were standing in our own way. We were unable or unwilling to acknowledge what we knew to be true. We had a real problem and it was much deeper than the food or the physical appearance of our body.
My own acceptance and surrender came (and still comes) in chunks. It came in waves. It came, and continues to come, as I am open to it. Some days I hate it - and on those days, I know I am resisting the truth of what is.
I wanted to no longer exist (for the 2nd time in my life) before I accepted I needed help if anything was ever going to change. I had to STOP resisting the idea that I could and should be and do better on my own. I had to acknowledge I didn’t have all the answers or even a fraction of the tools I needed to not feel the way I was feeling.
I had to surrender to the process. I had to have the ugly cries. I had to know what it felt like to make progress and then to back-slide. I had to read 2 very specific books in my life and allow the words within them to wash over me. I had to accept I was in the pages of those books and the actions that were suggested to me - I had to take.
I spent years in therapy (I’m still actively engaged) healing and re-parenting myself. First I attended to the wounded aspects of me, the youngest version of me. I tried reasoning (thinking and feeling) my way out of my anxiety and depression. My therapists over the years have helped me sort out the tender bits that needed what I never was given, and learn to give them to myself. I’m still figuring this out.
As the wounded me started to feel attended too - the rebel me started to show up. Keep in mind, she was still wounded but she wanted to protect the parts and pieces that were still tender. She set boundaries and did her best to hold them. But she also wanted, more than anything, to be loved by the very people who could not love her. Rejection after painful rejection of herself and from others, she had to learn, over and over again, not everyone deserves every part of her. Each experience was a lesson and a boundary that was strengthened or a new one was set.
Now I am finally adulting and I am running out of “Effs to give” if you know what I mean. I am learning to speak to myself like I speak to my children (and NO! I am not perfect in that either. Anxiety is a BEAST). I am showing up for me and doing the hard things. If I want something - I have to figure out how to get it and GO GET IT. I am learning not everything is meant for me. This is a period of self-discovery and self-growth. I am learning to focus on my potential and possibilities and to let go of any ideas I have of limits and weaknesses.
So how do I muddle through? How do I accept and surrender, over and over again, as an ongoing and never-ending process? Some things that have worked for me over the years:
It is what it is. - repeating this enough times really does make it permanent.
Practicing radical acceptance. Tara Brach has some good stuff on this.
Using an acceptance posture/stance. I often have my hands wide open, palms up, on my knees.
I don’t wallow in the self-pity - the “Why is this happening to me?”. Life happens to everyone. I am not special or different. I like to remind myself it comes in 3’s so it’s only up from there!
Practicing Mindful Self-Compassion has ben HUGE in my process.
Something you may want to give a try:
A God Box is a place where you symbolically turn over your difficulties, your fears, anything you would like changed to your Higher Power/Universe/Source/Creator.
Find something that will hold small pieces of paper and keep it in a place easily accessible. Some people use shoe boxes, others have purchased boxes, or handcrafted something that will act as a “mailbox” of sorts to something bigger than themselves. Maybe your version of a “God” Box is a running note on your phone or a mason jar large enough to collect and hold those things you are struggling to accept.
Keep paper and a pen close by and write down anything that comes to mind that you are struggling to accept. It may be a co-worker’s behavior, a loved one’s illness, your own daily struggles, the color of your eyes, etc. After you have written it down- surrender it to your “God” Box. Give it away to the universe. It is no longer yours to worry about. You may have to write it on multiple strips of paper, multiple times. Give it away as many times as you need.
If you do decided to give the God Box, or any of the strategies a try - be sure to let me know how it goes! I would love to hear your updates!
Light & Love,
Molly