Anger Myths
Full confession: I almost got into a war on social media today. I started to go there. Felt the heat rise in me. I made a single “comment” and then realized it was not worth my time or energy. Arguing with this “food addiction coach” was not going to change her mind. AND her audience doesn’t care what I have to say anyway- right? The jury is out on that one. You see- I can’t help but view “food addiction coaches/counselors” who sell moderation and “relationships with food” as dangerous. No different than the men who sold snake oil to settlers of the old west, these folks peddle fantasy. It seems cruel. Preying on people who want so badly to have their cake and to eat it too (figuratively and literally) is EASY, but NOT right. AND we are all so much more vulnerable to be conned in this time of uncertainty.
SO? WHO CARES? I realized how much this relates to the topic of Anger Myths. If you haven’t been following along on Instagram Stories (I have a highlight for these so DON’T WORRY), I have been addressing one myth each day.
Anger. A normal, human, SECONDARY emotion. It is protective and full of energy. It can be healing AND destructive. Those who can effectively harness this powerful emotion have figured out The Hulk’s secret- he’s angry ALL THE TIME. He can take care of his anger and let it burn bright when the world needs saving, or someone needs a whoopin’!
Look at the thoughts you chose to think when you are angry. Do these thoughts permit you to act out inappropriately on those angry feelings? Do you believe you don’t have an anger problem because something bad (really hurt someone, get into trouble with the law, driven away someone you love) hasn’t happened? If so, you may believe in one, or more, of the following myths.
ANGER MYTH #1: IT’S HIS PROBLEM, NOT MINE!
No one likes to be criticized, whether the criticism is right or wrong, positive or negative. It’s easy to get angry with the person who criticizes you and ignore any accurate information the person may have by thinking, “It’s his problem, not mine.”
THE TRUTH IS: Feelings of anger can only be managed when the person feeling the anger is willing to look at, and take responsibility, for their part in the situation.
ANGER MYTH #2: MY ANGER JUST FELL FROM THE SKY.
Violent actions may appear to just come from nowhere. People with anger problems may see their anger as an inevitable result of someone else’s behavior. They often think that their anger happened so quickly that it just “fell from the sky.”
THE TRUTH IS: Other people don’t cause anger. It is caused by the story we create in our head about the situation. It is also preceded by several internal cues such as a speeded-up heartbeat, fast breathing, stomach in knots, etc. If a person learns to observe these cues, they may be able to stop an unwanted reaction from happening.
ANGER MYTH #3: IT ISN’T ANGER IF I DON’T CALL IT ANGER.
“I wasn’t angry, I was just irritated.” Much of the time, people may believe there are several unrelated emotions called: mad, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, ticked off, irate, angerful, rageful, enraged, pissy, pissed-off, resentful, etc.
THE TRUTH IS: These are all different levels of the same emotion. Different people call different levels of anger by different names.
ANGER MYTH #4: I MUST BE TOUGH AT ALL TIMES.
Sometimes people think they always must be tough and able to defend themselves. They may work hard to maintain their tempers, so they won’t appear to be weak to others or themselves.
Sometimes people are secretly a little bit proud of their tempers. They see themselves as people who defend themselves with violence (violent words, actions) if they feel even the slightest bit insulted or threatened.
THE TRUTH IS: People who believe this myth may believe the TV images of gunslingers/gangbangers/mobsters/tough guys are cool. Real gunslingers were nervous, frightened people. In the real Old West, gunslingers killed people and often got themselves killed. In other words, Hollywood glamorizes everything.
ANGER MYTH #5: I SHOULD ALWAYS BE HAPPY.
I cannot tell you how many people believe that they should always feel good. They think things like, “I feel great, I’ll never have to get angry again.” Or “You shouldn’t have done what you did because now I am angry, and I shouldn’t have to feel this way”.
THE TRUTH IS: we all feel angry from time to time. The feeling of anger is not the problem. How we express it and take care of it are where the problems show up.
ANGER MYTH #6: HE STARTED IT.
It can be easy to believe that if someone else starts an argument or a fight, then they deserve whatever they get.
THE TRUTH IS: we are ALWAYS responsible for what we do, no matter what the provocation.
ANGER MYTH #7: I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL LATER.
Here’s where I was today. I wanted to act immediately. It felt instantaneous and uncontrollable and it felt GOOODDD to release it. And then, it immediately DIDN’T. I was able to pull it together long enough to cool down and think of a better way to deal with the situation, but many times people may NOT be able to do this. Their fight/flight has kicked in and it is kill or be killed mentality.
THE TRUTH IS: This is a dangerous spot to be in. Once we get here it may be hard to walk ourselves back from the ledge. One way to overcome this is to work on changing this belief while calm. If the belief is “I can’t wait until later”, you may need to shift it to “Actually, I CAN wait until later”.
ANGER MYTH #8: ANGER WORKS AND MAKES ME FEEL BETTER SO IT MUST BE OK.
While this belief may seem to be true- it is FANTASY.
THE TRUTH IS: While initially gratifying (physical and/or emotional release), it soon fizzles out and you are left feeling all kinds of unpleasant things. Self-image suffers, people you love and care about may be pushed away, you are taxed physiologically (headaches, high blood pressure, sleep troubles). AND THEN this may give rise to anger again (especially if you tend to believe you should feel happy all the time!).
ANGER MYTH #9: I NEED EXCITEMENT ALL THE TIME.
Again, the sheer amount of people I meet that cannot tolerate boredom is astonishing. They continually seek more and more stimulation (thrills, arguments, loud music, alcohol, food, sex, etc).
THE TRUTH IS: Everyone needs quiet time and BOREDOM IS A CHOICE. We can choose to be bored and use it as an excuse to engage in thrill-seeking, self-abusive, or angry behavior.
ANGER MYTH #10: I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO WATCH MYSELF SO CLOSELY…OTHER PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TO.
Diabetics say, “Why can’t I eat sugar?” Alcoholics say, “Why can’t I have just one drink?”
THE TRUTH IS: People with uncontrolled anger are no different. If you tend to get angry easily you have a responsibility to watch yourself closely so you’re not inappropriate or irresponsible with your anger.
I hope this has helped you to better frame and understand a very NORMAL, HUMAN emotion. We all fall into these myths at time. The goal is to learn and move forward, finding helpful behaviors to get us through whatever situation we are in. Anger is not a reason to eat off-plan. It is not a reason to self-abuse or be abusive to others. Anger is a signal that something isn’t right or is off. Think of it as your Spidey-Sense! Ask yourself what the anger can teach/show you!!!
Let me know if you need any help with this!