The 40% PART ONE

RECAP: Addiction is a brain disease. It has multiple outlets; it is both chronic and progressive. Recovery is a lifelong process. Questions?

The outlet (processed foods/sugar, gambling, alcohol, narcotics, spending/shopping, sex/relationships, etc.) is ten percent (10%) of the issue. Forty percent (40%) is life on life’s terms and relationship to self. The last fifty percent (50%) is support and connection with others.

Sobriety, or abstinence, is a Blood Sugar Content. What do I mean by this? Removing the outlet is a small portion of the solution; it is the tip of the iceberg. What’s underneath the outlet? What is lurking under the water? What was always there but we were distracted by the imminent threat?

Working with clients for the last 15 years has reminded me time, and time again, the disease has symptoms (beyond the outlet) that show up in us. Briefly they are: often angry at/afraid of authority, seek approval of others losing our identity in the process, make a good first impression but are unable to follow through, have difficulty accepting criticism, have addictive personalities, self-rejecting, self-alienated, immobilized by anger/frustration, rarely satisfied, usually lonely, chronic complaining, blame others for what is wrong in our life, feel unappreciated, feel don’t fit in, feel that no one is “there” for them, everything is a catastrophe, very concrete in thinking (black/white, my way or the highway), may live in the past and be fearful of the future, may have exaggerated fears of abandonment, fear failure and rejection so don’t try new things, obsessed with money/material possessions, have big dreams and little ability to make them happen, intolerant of illnesses (in themselves or others), intimidate subordinates, charm superiors, may believe rules don’t apply to them, adrenaline junkies, and/or hold emotional pain within and lose touch with feelings.   

SO? Why is it important to talk about these symptoms? As I said above, sobriety – or abstinence – is a Blood Sugar Content. Recovery is a spiritual content. When the symptoms are present, we tend to show up in the world in ways that rarely work out for us. The next several writings will be about the roles we play to manage the symptoms.

I have heard many clients talk about these symptoms as the “dry drunk” behavior. Gone is the “excuse” that alcohol, sugar, gambling, etc. made me do it. The outlet (symptom) is gone. Now we must address the others by getting at the root. Buckle up folks – this is the 40% - the psychological and emotional component. The “How” you relate to yourself and therefore, with others and the world around you.

Take note, can you identify with any or all of these?

Popular Me: if I am charming, attractive, magnetic, and the life of the party you will want to be my friend. The Truth is: By being everything to everyone, we lose our selves. The end of the charade comes when others realize there is nothing behind the phony smiles.

Tyrant/Dictator: if you obey me and place yourself in my complete control, I will protect you from chaos. In other words – If everyone would just do what I want them to do, it will all be okay. The Truth is: we are masters of sarcasm and keep our “subjects” in place with cruel comments. The end of the charade is when the “subjects” refuse to obey.

Playboy/Playgirl: we may believe, “I am irresistible to others”. “Part of my attractiveness is my lack of respect for other people”. I expect love, attention, wealth, and power for the privilege of my company. The Truth is: We are in serious competition for center stage and are incapable of committing to a relationship. The end of the charade is when others recognize our shallowness.

Sexual God/Goddess: We attempt to meet our needs for intimacy, acceptance, and approval by appearing to be the sexual ideal that our significant other or sexual partner is looking for. We may act as though we are ready for sex at any time to hold the interest of others and maintain the relationship. The Truth is: This role comes at a significant emotional cost to us and often violates our value system.

Beautiful Me: youthfulness, a beautiful body, and an attractive face are the essential qualities for me to be liked and accepted. I strive to embody all cultural norms around beauty and what is “beautiful”. The Truth is: we have tried to get by on looks alone. The end of the charade is when others grow tired of the child who requires continuous reassurance of his/her attractiveness.

PART TWO will cover:

Barbie/Ken Doll

The Entertainer

Perfectionist

Perfect Host/Hostess

Sweetie Pie